A Guide to Christmas Decorating Safety

Statistics show that over 83% of household accidents happen in the bathroom. The other 17% occur during Christmas decorating.* Over 25% of emergency room visits during the period of Nov. 12th through Jan. 7th are because of an accident when decorating for Christmas.* 
 Decorating for Christmas is a wonderful pastime, but it is important to have a thorough knowledge of the perils that lurk in order to have a safe decorating experience. The Commission of Christmas Decorating Safety (CCDS) has compiled this manual of rules and regulations to help the ordinary consumer follow safe Christmas decorating procedures.

Section A: Stockings

1. Stockings are not allowed to be hung from a mantel, radiator, bedpost or bookshelf. They must not weigh over 2 pounds 2.5 ounces when filled. The Department will ration exactly 2.5 lumps of coal to each household for each bread-winner to dispose of as they see fit. Each lump of coal weighs exactly 7 ounces.
2. Stockings must not be made from socks, shoes, nightcaps, long johns or any article of clothing that consumers habitually wear. It is dangerous to the public health.
3. There must be a regulation pamphlet by the milk and cookies that will direct Santa Claus to the stockings. He often forgets about them, and the Department will not be held responsible for any more lawsuits regarding this matter.

Section B: Presents

1. The Department has allotted 3 presents per person. Those who have more presents than the allotted amount must donate them to the Persons that Spread the Wealth Association (PSWA), where they will be distributed to those that are less fortunate. 
2. Presents may not be wrapped using tape, ribbon, or scissors. These are serious safety hazards to the white panda bear, and anyone found using them will be prosecuted.
3. No wrapping paper may be used that is colored with snowmen, gingerbread men, reindeer or Santa Claus as these shapes are discriminatory against those racial groups. 

Section C: The Tree

1. All Christmas trees must be over the height of 1.3 feet and under the height of 5.7 feet. This enables the maximum amount of people to help decorate the tree. Any tree smaller than 1.3 feet is a shrub. There is a considerable risk of injury/contagious disease/death from overbalancing when decorating any tree taller than 5.7 feet. Any trees that do not meet the height requirements will be towed away at owner's expense.
2. All ornaments must be made of artificial plastic. Wood, paper, fabrics, glass and metal are not allowed. There are to be no sparkles, glue or artificial substances of any kind attached to them. Such substances can be easily swallowed by small goldfish and are extremely dangerous to their health. Ornaments may not be hung on the top branches or the middle branches. If they are hung in the restricted areas they are an extreme risk for falling on small children's heads. No ornaments are to manufactured in the shapes of snowmen, gingerbread men, reindeer, or Santa Claus, as these shapes are discriminatory against those racial groups.
3. Christmas trees may not have lights. They could be mistaken for alien signals and the Department has issued strict orders against any communication with the outer worlds.
4. Absolutely NO tinsel may be used for decoration on the tree as it is very sharp. One gentlemen was taken to the emergency room last year because a piece had severed his foot. Blood poisoning spread and his entire leg had to be amputated. NO TINSEL!

This manual will be updated every 6 hours to comply with proper regulations.


 *Statistics are fake. Please do not pay any attention to them as they are used merely for promotional purposes. Thank you!